just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
