This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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