Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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