Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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