I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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