i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
whose ass print is on the piano?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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