So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
