The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
