i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
you had me at cake vodka
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Randomize
