At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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