How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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