Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
