if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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