You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
