mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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