Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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