i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The air was thick with penises
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
