it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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