Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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