My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
