Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
