She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
where are you?
Hypothermia
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
