Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
