nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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