So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
