I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
