Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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