Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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