I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
