i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
