i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
