anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
