If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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