i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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