i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Dicks are not precious.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
