based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
