i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
