I got chris browned last night
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
