ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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