Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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