why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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