so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
