people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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