Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
