$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
