The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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