Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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