Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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