So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
