Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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