I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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