I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
