I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
