found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
