Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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