if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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