I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
