Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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