Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
